Lost To You

I’m placed between your thumb and forefinger,

like a delicate specimen;

you would howl to see me

lost

to you.

 

All I can feel,

is that I’m one bad-arse narcotic

that

everyone

wants

to use as the

temporary

replacement.

Leaving earth to greet heavenly fantasy,

return to earth and greet reality.

Fantasy can never meet realty.

When you need a buzz, quick fix, roll-over-and-fuck-me,

craze, escape, high, exhilaration,

thrill, choice joint to smoke

choice dope to taste.

 

You get to feel high off my body,

hallucinate to my laughter,

get comfortable with my movements.

I get to be the substance locked in snap-lock bags,

passed around in secret amongst dirty hands,

thick hands;

fingered and rolled and breathed in, licked and tasted like precious escape.

 

I’ll become the gift, forgotten to be given over,

because it’s a dangerous cocktail of not being enough,

and being the exact thing you want to keep for yourself.

Kept in secret, kept as a prize,

kept as an ego boost, a rationed sweet,

the very thing always denied.

 

I get to wait for you,

to come back to me.

Crawl on your knees and hide the words you

clearly say;

and it’s a little disappointing.

For you, of all and everyone,

to admit you need my drug.

And I get to wait for you,

biting lips and drawing blood,

mental fog and drowned heartbeats in shakes and quakes,

time lost dedicated to shouting your name in my head,

time lost getting clothed to be unclothed,

in the dark,

on clandestine dates,

dark rooms, silent phones,

standstill and empty pants.

 

I can’t find safety hiding.

I can’t find safety in the open, being prowled upon,

dusted and polished and robbed

of my body

of my deserving commitment

of my feelings traded to be your

low key

replacement

until your other lover

comes back

walks in on me naked

with you.

It’s ok.

My work here is done.

 

I’m disappointed you would ask such a thing of me.

I’m disappointed so many of you have.

 

I learn to find a home in the most vacant of places.

Lost between the naked form of you,

legs sprawled for each other,

and the naked ghost you sleep with on the opposite side of the bed,

with me there.

 

To hide with people that hurt me the most;

to hide for the sake of people that hurt me the most;

to learn to be the escape you crave the most;

to learn to be the temporary fix, the temporary her you need the most.

 

I can only see it crashing down when she walks back in,

and you see me as the empty husk you like to stroke

and I see you as the man I hoped wasn’t so empty.

But you’re empty, scooped out like an empty ice cream tub.

You’re cold and melted too.

 

Any addiction can be solved with discipline.

It’s time for me to train you out of me, off me.

I don’t have to be insecure, because you seem to be.

 

Bye Bye Grenade.

 

*Artwork unknown*

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