It shows itself in the mornings, too brisk to leave my bedroom;
soft tumblings in bed fighting to scrabble for warmth with a body like ice.
It shows itself in the lines and creases on my face;
prematurely carved in stone and worn rough with care.
It shows itself in the dreamy daze I wade through;
I stumble around you and on into some frightful collage ahead.
It shows itself in the strings unravelling behind me,
that you follow until you’re inside.
It shows itself in the pages of unseen messages you keep,
the ones you ignored or purposefully forgot, asking if we are ok.
It shows itself in the way I can never afford to be calm,
never around you at least.
It shows itself, the way it pummels and pounds the inside of my skull.
It shows itself when I can never sleep, like resting on a pillow of
It shows itself through my eyes;
the way they rest on the floor and silent tears
fall down around me, leaving silent stains that disappear before you notice.
It shows when I twist away from your lips,
but then instantly move to pull you close, on top.
It shows when I love you, and begin to let that fall from the window,
to somewhere else.
It shows when I learn how to love myself, then proceed
to wound and maim myself;
because I left you dangling on my line, my fishhook buried in your side.
There is a chaos.
Inside my head.
Are you prepared to face it?
It’s a raging ocean and you need to want to swim in the tides.
You need to know how to float on a sea of rubble, crushed up words,
sanded-down motivations and crashing waves.
It doesn’t soak you in salty coldness,
but the dark relief of being numb. No sensation.
Just observing the world from a tiny crack in the wall.
Are you alright, steeled enough, to try with me?
To brace against it all when I come tumbling at you from nowhere.
Are you strong enough to try and understand the chaos?
*Artwork by Elliana Esquivel- Instagram*