Deluded Amends

I know these are the fruitless dreams,

the billowing smoke of the wishes of a lover scorned.

I know I’m just a ragged mess curled

in on itself, cowering to the floor, wishing to be gone.

 

 

I know these are the silly, sad-song lullabies

of one girl hurt too many times in your arms.

I know I’m just reaching out endlessly,

a drowned twig broken and miserable on the shores of

a lapping stream.

 

 

I know that I’m so lonely,

fighting a battle of one, for one person,

and refusing to admit the sad outcome.

I know I’m trying to paint artworks, that simply aren’t there;

trying to steal kisses and borrow time with you that I can’t have.

 

 

I know that I’ll keep holding you under

my thick ashen smoke, until I get what I need from you.

I know I’m blindly hoping, curling fingers around restless shadows,

tendrils and whips of blackened air,

trying to find a reality where you say sorry.

 

 

Pulling at deluded forms, I’m clutching at faded outlines,

I know I’m desperate in seeking your salvation.

But I also know I just crave your fall.

I want you to make amends, to breathe my name

into the fires at your feet and feel the sting of the burn.

 

 

I know I want your dreams to fizzle and pop,

cloudy fireworks aiming to reach me and shout the things

you need to tell me, to me.

I know what I want so badly.

And that is for you to crouch and kiss my feet for all the

words left unsaid,

bruises blossomed and cuts made,

raised words bitten and covered over mine,

doubts sewn and fears nestled and nourished.

 

 

I want you to search for me, hunt me down and

unburden yourself of such things at my feet.

I want you to whisper my name at night, before you sleep.

I want you to crave and plead and beg to find me,

and I want you to say what you left abandoned.

 

 

Even if it hurts, stings, blisters or boils inside.

Say them.

Don’t cower in fear or run like wounded prey.

I want you to search me out, I want you to be the one looking…

…and I also want you to be the one to truly find me.

 

*Artwork by Dorina Costras- “Delusion”*

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