Lost in silent songs,
calling before closed doors.
The prickle of tears before they spill,
uncared for and unknown,
onto the floor.
Never believe the words they speak.
They made me learn to never believe them.
They taught me to fear the words they mouth;
in gentle whispers pressed against lips,
argued or yelled or reminded or prodded,
a strategy in a list of seductive tricks.
I’m never your love, but your conditional toy.
Restricted to a timeframe;
before you get too old for me,
before you get over having me around,
before you cease to care I still have feelings.
The teddy bear that loves unconditionally,
but gets abandoned to dusty boxes deep in the past.
I step forward, you step back.
Try and understand my frustration.
Why must you always seek to lie?
Why must you always be the joker,
and play me like your beloved fool?
You know it’s easy to stop a feeling;
to drown it and stifle it’s cry.
But I only know how deep their roots go;
and how suddenly painful their death can be.
You look, but then you turn away.
You ask, but then you cease to ask.
You beg and persuade, but then you lose patience and stay silent.
You chase, but then you find an easier target to shoot.
You give, but then you realise it’s yours and take it back.
You care, but then you transform it into pity.
You like, but then you doubt it’s real and cool the fire.
You love, but then you know you never could.
I know your words are temporary.
I know they linger in the air between us, and I’m
not supposed to take them.
I’m not supposed to shelve them and trust
they mean what they are.
Likely, they aren’t, nor ever will be.
I know they fill a void, but again, they don’t close wounds.
They heal like stitches, before they only infect you more.
I know you like me.
I know you want me.
I know you say all the things I need you to say,
but I also know you simply shape them to soothe me.
They don’t have substance, or form;
they hover and poke in delicate places.
Lodge themselves like glass shards I don’t notice.
I will always be the physical desire,
the gorgeous thing you like to hold as your own;
but once I learn to love you,
you make it clear I’m only there for the moment.
I’m only there to please and tempt for now.
I’m there to entertain you, when no one else can.
Trying to find you, when you don’t want to be found.
Trying to hide what I feel, because I know you won’t agree.
Trying to mend something, that broke long before we touched it.
Trying to revive fire, when you left it to burn down long before.
All the doors you open, before you lock them shut.
All the lights you switch on, before you cut the wires and leave
me in the dark.
All the places we explore, before you run and leave me stranded.
All the pictures you help me paint, before you burn the canvases.
How am I supposed to trust you again?
How am I supposed to know anything?
How am I to open, when being closed means I at least
don’t have to pick up all your little lies?
Yes I will be your lover for the night.
Yes I can please you and touch all the right places.
Yes I can make you hunger, and realise your starving.
Yes I only expected it to be short-lived, destined to end when
you pack your belongings, and have your final squeeze
before you go.
Yes I know you need to cheer up, and being your private
fuck will help.
But in the end, I know where your trail of bread crumbs leads.
It doesn’t lead to a home, nor a heaven, nor a shelter or safety;
but to a bitter, endless path of failures.
Of points I never met, and things I never did for you.
Never believe the words they speak.
Because you can never quite tell when to start to.
Because they are so good at breeding little lies.
And they are so good at conditioning you to believe
all the little nightmares you tell yourself are real.
So goodnight, and try to dream other dreams.
Because a dream with them, is unattainable.