Choice of Fates

It has been so long since I’ve seen you.

Who are you now?

What are your dreams?

Are we still lying together

on the grass,

hands brushing fingers,

tracing patterns in the sky,

discussing longings and fractals?

 

We revel in each other’s words;

the sweetness of ice cream we shared still wet on our tongues;

we walk with each other, noticing the changes on our faces, bodies,

grown up but

still nurturing, protecting

our hearts

for one another.

We don’t even know it.

You’ve been my companion for so long,

amid the drifting faces of people loved and lost

scattered to corners of my soul;

I’m so happy you’ve come back.

 

We don’t even know it.

But your eyes shine over dinner;

playful little secrets tossed over the table,

like a game we’ve mastered long before.

your arms link through mine,

hands finally meeting

to clasp and warm through the night.

 

A forgotten crush, trembling it’s so frail;

I never knew I could expect this from you.

You have loved another before,

given your world to another,

but my heart

has been resting

from neglect,

from fear and shattered promises.

buried desires unattainable.

dreams and wants so terrible because they are denied.

 

You devour me slowly, tentatively;

all the while I gaze above and only wish I hadn’t

recovered from your

drug

years

ago.

 

By day I am one woman,

by night another.

Two entities, sharing the one body, cowering around

one flame in the cold.

Another pair of eyes searches mine.

 

He is gentle,

he is quiet, polite, but

don’t be fooled.

He is on the prowl for something much more

than I could ever be.

I resemble the mould he desires for the moment,

the shape of a woman he wants to own.

I’m the impression left burnt under his eyelids at night,

the figure he pines to see and

reward himself to.

He makes me powerful.

He makes me bold.

 

I’m shown luxury, hands held out to

a future of promise.

He loves me dearly.

And I love him.

The gorgeous flirtations,

hands drifting down my waist.

The rapturous evenings,

lost in heat, lips grazing every part of me.

 

We crawl into each others arms so quickly;

kiss and beg, kneel and pant;

push and pull of the tide and shore;

but always destined to drift from each other over time.

 

For the minute, you hold me close.

A brief shock of electricity; my back curves at the slightest

connection of your skin on mine.

Why did you stop wanting me?

Why was I never enough?

 

The longer I paraded for you;

the longer you desired me to crouch,

a beauteous form at your feet;

the more bruised I became.

I came back burnt at your touch.

I returned with fear tingling in my nerves,

threatening to crack my bones and stop my heart.

 

I could never talk to you I realised.

The more I spoke, the further the blinds

rolled down;

The closer I drew, your flames only grew higher;

the more ferocious you burned,

the more untouchable you became.

 

You left me on a cold street, yelling in my face;

the forked tongue of a serpent sliding along my skin.

I lost you.

I could see the volume of blood I’d dripped at your feet;

I could see the amount of soul I’d given over to you, shed on

the ground,

flaking and drying to dust.

I’d given so much to have you hurl disgust in my face.

 

You ripped it all out,

gutted and bleeding,

you tore it all out with those claws of yours. You helped yourself, once I finally denied you.

 

I made the wrong choice,

latched on to the wrong person,

craved the wrong touch.

Don’t think I have forgotten you, sweet man of ice cream, sugar;

pops of colour;

soft skin and warm smiles;

achingly sweet and temptingly beautiful.

Showing me your nature long before the vulture came to

pick and scavenge the love I didn’t know I carried.

I still only wish I had stopped myself from crumbling before you.

I only wish I had known you to be my perfection.

I only wish I had been able to fill myself more,

cared about my self more,

offered you the true best of me,

before

I

wasted

it

on

a man who stole my beauty and

made me hollow inside.

 

Where have you gone?

I’m so sorry I ruined us.

I’m sorry that you wanted me so badly once,

but now you want no part of me.

I’m so sorry I didn’t trust myself in your care.

I’m so full of shame.

I only hope I walk into you one day, long from now.

Hands drifting to meet fingers…

but I know I’m only dreaming.

And it’s time for me

to wake

up.

 

*Art by Cynthia Ligeros- “Twist of Fate”*

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